pRiVaTe pLacE

argh

2008-11-14T02:37:00.000-08:00

I wish I could just stop...

I wish heart would just stop hurting....

I wish mind would just stop longing...

grand finale

2008-09-29T02:25:00.000-07:00

it is the final blow...

it should be the final blow....

it's tearing me apart...

and if only i could do anything to ease the pain now...i would...

but my soul can only do so much...

i'm tired....

tired...

A day with the KING

2008-09-11T05:11:00.000-07:00

Eksena

2008-06-20T03:10:00.000-07:00

...sequence xxx. interior xxx...

Maya: Gusto mo na bang kumain?

Alex: Kailangan ba laging nakadepende sakin?

Maya: Kasi ako, cigurado na ako sa gusto ko, ikaw na lang ang hindi.

Alex: Bakit, ano ba ang gusto mo?

Maya: Ikaw

Alex: Ako? Paanong ako?

Maya: Ikaw- un ang sagot sa tanong

Alex: Paanong ako?

Maya: Nahihirapan na akong sagutin ang mga tanong mo...tanungin mo na lang ako ng kahit anong tanong na pwede kong sagutin ng oo o hindi lang...

Alex: Hindi...magkwento ka...

Maya: Natatakot na'ko...nahuhulog na'ko sa'yo.

Alex: Kailangan ko na bang lumayo?

Maya: Gusto mo na bang lumayo?

Maya: Ano pa kasi ang nararamdaman mo para sa'kin?

Alex: I like you Maya. Pero hindi ko pa kaya ibigay sayo lahat. Ayokong saktan ka. Kaya ko tinatanong kung kailangan ko bang lumayo.

Maya: Ano ba ang kaya mong ibigay?

Alex: Kung ano ako ngayon

Maya: Kaya mo bang lumayo?

Alex: Kaya mo pa ba na ganito tayo?

Maya: Kinakaya. Kakayanin. Gusto mo pa ba na kayanin ko?

Alex: Kaya ko nga tinatanong sa'yo

Maya: Pero meron akong gustong hilingin

Alex: Ano yun?

Maya: Kung sakaling dumating ang araw na ayaw mo na...magpaalam ka naman...para alam ko lang.

Alex: Yes ma'am...masyado kang madrama

Maya: Pwede na kong best actress

Alex: Hindi pa rin.

Maya: Ah ganun? Ayaw mo lang akong magkatrophy pampalo sa ulo mo. Di bale, bibili na lang ako sa recto.

Alex: Hahaha. Namimiss na kita.

......

2008-06-08T20:50:00.000-07:00

Haven't been writing to blogspot for almost four months since I started creating my multiply account....Well, blogspot is even more luckier compared to my Livejournal since I haven't checked the latter for ages now.

Hmmm...oh well..can't say Multiply is better..well, in terms of sharing pictures with friends...it's way way better...but blogspot seems to be the home of my "more personal" thoughts....I think...

I don't know how to say it...but yes...I am a bit "broken" the past few weeks...

It has been a cycle that keeps repeating everytime I fall for someone...

yah, maybe I just have to accept that Love isn't for me...

I haven't met a single man willing to fight for me and that's something that hurts most of the time..

I may not be the most "ideal girlfriend" in town but I know I have alot to offer as well...I deserve better..I should know...

But why do I always settle for "pseudo-relationships" kind of set-up...maybe because I am tired...maybe because I'm fed up....maybe because at the back my mind...I am sincerely hoping that this "parang kami-pero hindi" set up would turn into something serious....

But it never happened...

Never...

wala lang

2008-01-29T07:50:00.000-08:00

With my consent, you stole my sanity...

And just like them...

You chose to break my heart.

at the moment

2008-01-29T07:35:00.000-08:00

For the nth time,

Someone stole my sanity with my consent...

And just like anybody else...

He unconsciously chose to break my heart...

Finding love

2007-12-20T00:43:00.000-08:00

What if the love you have always wanted finally decided to take its course in finding you?

But what if the journey has been too long that you have traveled so far in building a world where only solitude and insanity are welcome?

Is love enough for you to go back and rediscover love once again?

Or has it been too much you can no longer risk the chance of getting hurt once more?

senti

2007-12-03T20:39:00.001-08:00

“Kung darating ka pa…sana ngayon na, dahil baka bukas o makalawa, hindi mo na ako makita.”

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako tutungo, hindi ko na alam ang landas na dapat kong tahakin upang magtagpo ang ating landas. Ganun ba talaga kahirap ang ika’y matagpuan? Ganun ba talaga dapat kasakit?

Pinilit kong maniwala, pinilit kong umasa…pero tila sinusubukan ng tadhana ang aking tibay. Pilit na binabago ng panahon ang aking puso. Pilit nitong hinahangad ang aking pagsuko.

Hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan ako makakarating…Hindi ko rin alam kung dapat pa nga bang panghawakan ang tunay na ako, o mas makabubuting tulad nila’y makipaglaro na lang din sa kapalaran. Maging isang bato at tuluyan ng mawalan ng pakiramdam.

Hindi ko na alam.

Siguro nga talagang mailap sa akin ang kaligayahan. Dahil ang tanging hangad sa akin ng kapalaran ay habangbuhay na kalungkutan at pangungulila.

expecting the unexpected

2007-12-03T20:27:00.000-08:00

november 30- december 01...

went to M Cafe after shoot with the rest of the final 5 including Papa Hayden..HAHA...

definitely a different experience...

yeah...a total escapade....

:(

whew

2007-11-17T08:19:00.000-08:00

really tired

stressed out

i just hate the feeling

alone

lonely

harassed

yet no one to talk to...

losing my religion

2007-11-11T03:19:00.000-08:00

i'm not really losing my religion...i just can't think of any title....

hmmmm, i feel bad...went to mass this afternoon but it turned out to be a real struggle on my part.

i left after the homily. why? I can't focus...and I really feel bad about leaving...

:(

lately...

2007-11-04T04:26:00.000-08:00

Just came from a two-week shoot for expat..

Stayed at Mabuhay Manor Hotel all through out, such a chaotic yet undeniably a fun experience filled with real life dramas and unexpected turns

As a treat, RJ Ledesma, our host invited us to stay at Buena Vista, Taal Highlands for the weekend. Such a beautiful place! No applicants were there and some staff didn't make it yet we made sure that we would be in full shape of fun and excitement. Thanks to Eric, Apple, Scott, Norman, Carla and Jappy for such great company!

The next day (Nov. 3, 2007) Norman, Jappy and I, together with Apple and Scott had a sort of despedida for Anna...she's going back to London!

That's all for now...

Mwah

Sentimyento

2007-10-08T02:23:00.000-07:00

Sabi ng ibang kaibigan kong may jowa, i-enjoy ko lang daw ang pagiging single. Namnamin ko ang mga panahong hindi ko kailangan magpaalam kahit kanino sa tuwing trip kong pumarty. Hindi naman raw kasi puro saya lang ang magkaron ng jowa.

Well, bakit nga ba minsan, hindi masaya ang maging single?

I'll give u a scenario okay? May lakad kayo ng old friends mo, matagal-tagal din kayong di nagkita. Sa di ko rin maintindihan, talagang part na ng catching up niyo ang tanong na, "may boyfriend ka na ba?" At dahil single ako, eh di sasabihin kong," wala pa. " At dahil may mga jowa sila, hindi sila masyadong sensitive sa nararamdaman ng mga dakilang singles like me kaya naman ang reaksyon nila ay isang," Ha? Bakit?" - na waring kasalanan at kakulangan sa pagkatao ang pagiging single.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko rin alam kung bakit nga ba hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa nakikilala ang siya ng buhay ko. Pero ito lang ang sasabihin ko...hindi madaling maghintay. Hindi rin madali ang makipagdate...Hindi rin madali ang paulit-ulit na meeting with mr. wrong. The process of meeting the person na mamahalin mo at mamahalin ka ay hindi madali. Hindi naman kasi pwedeng one way lang diba? Hindi naman pwedeng mahal ka, pero di mo naman mahal...At lalong hindi rin pwede na mahal mo, pero di ka mahal...

Okay fine, sabi nila, kapag mahal mo, dapat go lang, ipaglaban mo. Pero trust me, one way relationship will never work. Masasaktan at masasaktan ka lang. Saang anggulo man tingnan, in the end, talo ka lang din.

Masaya maging single...pero may mga panahon na nagiging marupok ang isang single. Umaasang magmahal at mahalin.

Tsk.Tsk.Tsk..Kaya sa mga mga taong kakabit ng pangalan ang status nilang In a Relationship o Married...sana maging sensitive tayo. Hindi rin kasi madali ang mag-isa.

The Unexpected Hello

2007-09-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

I’ve just reached the finish line of the race called- I Am Moving On, while he hasn’t even managed to take a single step to begin his.

It has been two years since I’ve sung UP Naming Mahal for the final curtain, yet I haven’t forgotten all the memories I’ve gained all throughout the journey. Leaving my Alma mater and starting a new life far from a place that has been more of a home rather than an institution was never easy. College life has indeed become a lifestyle crowned with superb experiences and diverse yet great individuals who became more of a family than just plain acquaintances.

After a month of filing my resignation letter to a reputable company and the death of my grandfather, I was again beaming with excitement and uncontainable pounding of the heart. A former roommate, who was still working for her diploma was joining a beauty pageant, thus she needed our support. I, together with another friend decided to surprise her. After all, we need a quick yet ecstatic rendezvous. I needed this break and waited quite a while for this.

As I ride the bus going South, I couldn’t help but wear my biggest smile. Just the thought of having another head to head encounter with my Alma mater was such bliss. Like a child yearning for a mother’s love, who couldn’t wait to be in her arms, I was in high spirits once again.

During the two-hour travel time, I was in constant connection with my thoughts. As I passed through the tallest buildings and the greenest trees, series of recollections keep flashing on my head. The journey towards home seemed like forever.

To kill time, I decided to send messages to selected friends and professors to confirm my arrival, my homecoming. I’ve managed to travel earlier than expected so I’ve figured to meet more people. With a very limited time I have, I know I need to use it wisely.

Finally after a few hours of struggling with my excitement, I am home. Walking past through the familiar milieu seemed like a nirvana almost surreal.

My heart was beaming with joy as I said hello to my Alma Mater. Actually, nothing can really define how it felt for any word used to describe the experience is going to be a state of underestimation.

Once again, I found myself laughing with familiar faces. I was naturally high. I was in constant thrill and buzz. I was elated.

However, it wasn’t this much awaited reunion with my Alma Mater and friends (including my brods and sisses) that made it matchless. It was that unexpected encounter with you that made it stand out from the rest.

As I was walking passed through the famous c-park, we saw you going towards our direction. As you were having small talks with my friend (brod) I was secretly whispering to his ears to introduce me to you. Actually, we were once acquainted way back, but since we haven’t really talked, I’ve concluded that you have already forgotten me but fortunately you didn’t.

“Princess, right?” I can still remember the first words uttered that day. I can still remember the moment we sat on that infamous bench situated in front of our college building. We were talking about work, but nothing profound. It was just a brief meeting filled with clichés and stories nothing really personal.

As we said our goodbyes, something I couldn’t fathom was happening inside me. So after a few minutes of battling with myself, I decided to send you a thank you message. On that very same night, while I was already busy cheering for my housemate, we were now exchanging a number of messages. There was something in you that I wanted to discover. I wanted you to be my friend. It was woman’s instinct perhaps.

When my housemate informed me that we would be taking our midnight snack after the pageant, I decided to inform you about it with a hope that you would take the initiative to invite me for a chat, face to face. Thus, we met again.

The very first moment I saw you seating inside that 24-hour convenient store, my heart started to pound in exaggeration. In short, I was nervous big time. Friends tried to calm me yet I haven’t managed to control it. After a few minutes of battling with it, I finally decided to approach you.

That night seems to be the most meaningful meeting I had after quite a while. After a few hellos and warming up, we found ourselves talking about our own sets of personal dilemmas. You shared about a previous heartbreak. You were in deep pain and still are. You had a fairytale beginning with her that didn’t end up in- and they live happily ever after.

For someone who has experienced the torture of moving on and letting go, I can easily empathize with you. It was unexpectedly easy to share anything and everything with you.

After that night, I couldn’t really sleep for days. I was always thinking about you. Bothered that you might do the things I did when my heart was crashed and literally hurting. As I return to the Metro, I know I left a part of me down South.

Thanks to the wonders of Science and Technology. We were able to keep our communication lines open. I welcomed your late night calls with concern and much attention because I know how it feels to be alone and hurting. I never mind listening to your sentiments about an ex-girlfriend because I understand the ordeal that you have to go through.

Slowly, I am getting used to our daily updates. Everytime my phone beeps; I was secretly hoping it was you. But then after weeks of constant communication, phone calls started to diminish until it became just a memory. Once in a while we would catch each other online, have a small chat yet something in you seems strange, something no longer familiar.

After a series of heart wrecking events in my life, I promised myself not to care to people who don’t want me in their lives. And with your silence, perhaps you are one of them. But my heart keeps telling me that you’re a special case, thus I haven’t managed not to care about you. And now, I am slowly missing you, the friend I met that unexpected day and not the one who have unconsciously built a wall between us.

That unexpected hello will always be remembered. The moments we have shared may be nothing to you yet it was something I will cherish in seventh heaven. I will forever be grateful for the things that we have shared even for a while.

Good luck on your race. Just keep believing because you are a wonderful person who doesn’t deserve to be in such state of loneliness for long. And when that day comes that you finally reach the finish line, I hope you can still recognize the girl silently beaming for you as the crowd gets euphoric with your success.

And who knows, I might hear that line again, and this time, that unexpected hello might bring us to a new race together.

“Princess, right?”

“Yes, I still am.”

ikaw

2007-09-17T03:04:00.000-07:00

Sa di inaasahan pagkakataon, minsan darating sa buhay mo ang isang taong magpapabago ng buhay mo.

Habang naka-abang ako sa C-park, di ko inaasahan magku-krus pang muli ang landas natin. Matagal na kitang kilala pero ni minsan ay hindi naman tayo nag-usap. Pareho pa tayong estduyante nun at pare-parehong may sariling buhay.

Gayunpaman, alam mo bang minsan ka ring naging bahagi ng aking buhay sa elbi? Minsan mo na rin akong napangiti sa tuwing makakasalubong kita sa campus. Pero dahil alam kong imposible,alam kong isa ka lamang ilusyon. Habang naglalakad ka sa campus kasama niya, kasabay ko rin naman ang "siya" ng buhay ko.

Lumipas ang mga araw, buwan at taon...nanatili ka lamang isang alaala sa tsapter ng buhay ko sa kolehiyo.

Nagmahal akong muli at nasaktan, habang sa tuluyan ng natabunan ang iyong mga alaala.

Pero sa di inaasahang pagkakataon nang minsan magbalik ako sa elbi at maglakad-lakad sa C-Park, sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon, naupo tayo at nag-usap.

Unti-unti, nakilala ko kung sino ang lalaking dati-rati ay pinagmamasdan ko lang sa malayo. Sino nga ba naman ang mag-aakala na magiging magkaibigan tayo?

Malalim ang pinag-usapan natin nang gabing yun. Ramdan na ramdam ko ang sakit at poot nang isang pusong nangungulila ng makausap kita. Dahil sa gabing yun, lumalim ang pagkakaukit ng iyong pangalan sa aking puso. Bagay na una pa lang...alam kong hindi nararapat.

Dumaan ang mga araw, linggo at buwan.

Magkalayo man tayo, patuloy na yumabong ang ating pagkakaibigan.

Sa di inaasahan kong muling pagdalaw sa elbi...

Ito rin pala ang di inaasahang pamama-alam.

Nagkita tayo, nagkwentuhan, nagkantahan...

Hindi ko akalain...iyon na pala ang huli...

Sana nga ganun lang kadali...sana nga pwedeng hindi na lang ako masaktan...

Mababaw man...naging bahagi ka pa rin ng aking buhay...

Salamat sa lahat kaibigan...

payongeras

2007-09-10T02:44:00.000-07:00

september 07-08, 2007

Maligalig residence

Los Banos, laguna

sunday

2007-08-26T06:29:00.000-07:00

went to st claire with donna this afternoon...after that we had our dinner at ken afford( somewhere in katipunan, at dormitoryana)...had calamares ang kare-kare plus buko pandan for dessert..yum.yum.yum...big serving plus really affordable menu!

thank god for small blessings :)

the VOV experience

2007-08-24T01:14:00.000-07:00

VOV Product Launching and Press Conference
August 08, 2007
Rothmann Hotel, Malate Manila
The Amazing Team

to God be the glory...

2007-08-15T21:47:00.000-07:00

went to church yesterday...i am trying to find myself again...but this time I know I am not alone because God is with me...

lot of things have been happening in my life lately and i realized that I am not supposed to carry everything alone for I have Him beside me all throughout the journey.

i am not an angel and not even closed to being one...did a lot of crazy stuff but i am learning...

Dead End

2007-08-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

Online siya!Yehey!

Kahit gusto ko ng matulog, hala, sige, mag-online tayo kahit pa handang-handa na akong mahiga sa aking kaharian.

Papikit-pikit pa ang mata ko habang sinasabi kong, "Lord, sana naman online siya."

Isang munting dasal na mabilis naman pinagbigyan ni Lord. Di naman ako nagkamali...online nga ang lolo mo, pero mukhang nakalimutan kong magrequest ke Lord na makachat siya kahit sandali man lang. Bakit?Idle lang naman ang status niya at sa loob ng 42 minutes na online ako ngayon eh wala pa rin siya.

Kinapalan ko na nga ang mukha ko at nagpadala ng message sabay dasal na sana pansinin naman niya ako diba? As in sincere yung pagkakawish ko. Kaya lang, sablay na-this time, mukhang di na ako pinagbigyan ni Lord. Feeling Niya ata, abusado na ang makulit niyang anak. Kaya ayun, ni-ha, ni-ho, o kahit simpleng u, wala akong natanggap.

Shucks! Bakit ba ako affected? Bakit ko ba hinihiling na sana eh kausapin naman niya ako? Bakit nga ba araw-araw na lang eh hinihintay kong makaalala siyang magtext? At sa tuwing wala akong balita sa kanya, super affected ang beauty ko. Bakit nga ba kahit ganun na lang ang role niya sa buhay ko eh parang siya ang sentro ng kwento ko? Kung ipapalabas ang istorya ko ngayon, malamang makikita lang siya ng audience sa pamamagitan ng thought bubble na naka-drawing sa screen. Kahit nga hindi na siya magshooting for my movie eh, hihingi na lang ako ng picture eh solve na ang role niya! Ganun lang kadali! Ganun lang kasimple...pero ganun kalalim ang epekto niya sa akin ngayon.

Hindi ko maintindihan. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Basta ganun na lang.

Ayoko ng magexplain kasi kahit naman anong sabihin ko...for sure, hindi niyo ako pakikinggan.

Sabihin na lang natin na meron akong gusto sa kanya...pero dahil alam kong walang pupuntahan...alam ko na...habang wala pa...stop na...liliko na ako at dead end na.

steady lang

2007-08-04T08:23:00.000-07:00

Pangarap

2007-07-17T02:10:00.000-07:00

Ang dream job mo ay para ring palang dream guy mo...

Katulad ng dream guy mo, ilang ulit ka ring nangarap at umasa na sana ay magkaron na ng katuparan ang dream job mo. Ilang santo na ba ang tinawag mo para lang maabot mo yun? Nakakatawang isipin na ang dream job ay parang dream guy mo...Sa oras na makilala mo na at mahawakan sa iyong mga palad, di mo maipaliwanag ang saya sa iyong dibdib. Kahit anong pagod at problema, sige lang..blooming ka pa rin. Ito na ang dream job mo...konting tiis lang at sigurado ka namang magiging ayos din ang lahat. Tulad ng pakikipagrelasyon, nasa adjustment period pa lang siguro kayo.

Pero pano kung isang araw...mapatunayan mong ang inaasam-asam mo pala...sasaktan ka lang? Pano kung tuluyan ka ng mapagod? Hanggang san mo kayang sumugal para sa kanya?
Hanggang kailan ka magtitiis?

Paano kung hindi ka na sigurado kung karapat-dapat pa siyang ipaglaban?

Kakapit ka parin ba? O mas magiging mas madali ang bumitaw?

The Art of Detachment

2007-06-23T04:47:00.000-07:00

Detachment is a state in which a person, theoretically, overcomes his or her attachment to desire for things, people or concepts of the world and thus attains a heightened perspective.

Lao Tzu's "Tao Te Ching" expressed the concept (in chapter 44) as:
Fame or Self: Which matters more? Self or Wealth: Which is more precious? Gain or Loss: Which is more painful? He who is attached to things will suffer much. He who saves will suffer heavy loss. A contented man is rarely disappointed. He who knows when to stop does not find himself in trouble. He will stay forever safe

____________________________________________________________________________________
The Art of Detachment:
All my life, I’ve given so much importance to relationships and every memorabilia that signifies its importance and impact in my being. All the letters and gifts from friends would go to a certain treasure box which I will read from time to time to reminisce the good old days I shared with the special people in my life. I’ve learn to religiously maintain a diary and keep track of all the events in my existence. I’ve taken a number of pictures and created a slum book to make sure I will never forget every significant moment I will experience.
And now, as I grow older (and hopefully wiser) I realized that there’s one thing I was never good at- DETACHMENT. And it was during my Grandpa’s wake that I realized that Detachment is an art we must learn to fully grasp in order to survive the unforeseen events in one’s life. Once fully learned, one can used it as very powerful tool in surpassing life’s challenges.
Tonight…I promised to enhance and discover the art of DETACHMENT…not only to material possessions but to relationships and memories as well. I will keep in my heart all the experiences and memoirs but I will make sure I will be moving forward and create novel moments once again. I will treasure the people and the love we have for one another but I will be open in building greater relationships with others. I will cherish the good people in my life and will forget those who do me no good.
The following months will never be easy…but I know…I…We will surpass this one.

untitled

2007-06-15T04:25:00.000-07:00

Yup, everyone has a story to share…and I have to say that ours is like one of those classic melancholic telenovelas with all the bidas and kontrabidas. It all started with a simple and happy beginning with never-ending climactic scenes. Conflicts and challenges seem not to cease in real life’s picture, it is a continuous struggle without knowing where you’re headed. Unlike those classic telenovelas with an obvious happy ending, ours is always a work in progress.
________________________________________________________________

Last Wednesday I got a call from my mom, re- my grandfather’s condition… the next day, I bought a ticket headed to Legazpi and spent the next ten hours inside the bus.

It was the lowest point in my lolo’s colorful life I think…I’ve always looked up to him as the wisest guy in our family. He’s such a wonderful man who led a decent life…and sometimes in this world, it’s not enough that you know what decency means…have to know how to play it well….something I never saw in him…or probably because he didn’t wanna try playing the cards…